AmeriKAZAM

Attention SPAs:

AmeriKAZAM is not going away, it is merely “resting.”  The staff has come down with something called Skyrimitis and will be unable to post for several days.

In the meantime, continue saying the Pledge of Allegiance and reading your Constitution.

That is all.

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- A tour in Iraq is safer than a tour at your local Occupy camp. Is there any question that these brave souls, willing to sacrifice hygiene and virginity, are warriors for America?

- Solyndra executives attempt to take down the White House by time traveling into the past in order to write emails that directly refute the administration’s claims. Believe it!

- Herman Cain is certainly guilty of being accused of sexual misconduct. If you want to want someone to speak about the military, you get an expert in the military. If you want someone to speak about the economy, you get an expert in the economy. If you want someone to make an accusation that just sounds downright crazy, then you get an expert in crazy accusations. Since Kraushaar’s an expert, this one’s a lock.

- President Obama, in a masterful show of statesmanship and diplomacy, commiserates with the French president to build a stronger bond. Unfortunately, evil gremlins left his microphone on and people too unsmart to understand what was going on heard and commented. This was definitely statesmanship gone awry due to magical gadget fairies. Nothing more.

- Immigration and Customs Enforcement have recently been proven, beyond a doubt, to support the growing of America by any means necessary. So fervent are they in their belief that a bigger America is a better America that they will ignore, fold, spindle, mutilate, and knead any pesky regulation or law that gets in their way. You can’t buy dedication like that – it has to be taught.

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<WARNING – THE FACTS REPORTED IN THIS ARTICLE MAY BE TOO INFLAMMATORY FOR A SATIRICAL TREATMENT. PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS ADVISED.>

Quick and dirty here, SPAs.  General Purpose has places to be!

Some of you bastards are up in arms that Attorney General Eric Holder, peace be upon him, declined to apologize to the family of dead ATF agent Brian Terry for placing the weapon that killed him in the hands of Mexican drug cartel soldiers.  Some have also pointed out that it is morally bankrupt and intellectually dishonest for Mr. Holder, praise hands please, to end his non-apology with “it is not fair, however, to say the mistakes that happened in Fast and Furious directly led to the death of Agent Terry” just because the weapon that cut him down was provided by the Justice Department to the cartel that killed him.  Some have suggested that this is ridiculous and even gone so far as to call for his resignation.

Bollocks, I says.

Consider this: Recently vaporized Al-Qaeda propagandist Samir Khan’s family received an apology and condolences from the US State Department when he was killed alongside Anwar al-Awlaki.  Some might consider this inconsistent on the part of the Obama Administration – to apologize to a known terrorist’s family but neglect to do so to a slain ATF agent’s.  Hell no it ain’t!

With such different and varied responses, Obama is proving himself crazy like a fox once again.  When you walk into the room and have a choice between fighting the big guy standing calmly in the corner or the guy who just put a fork in his eye while screaming a recipe for peach cobbler at a nail in the wall, who are you gonna pick?  Not the crazy guy, that’s for sure.  You never know what he’ll do.  Hell, he might hurt himself just to screw you over.

General Purpose, signing off.

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Attention SPAs!  This is a full-on assault by anti-liberty forces, possibly of the CommuNazi variety.

In a simultaneous, two-pronged attack Occupy Boston has been infiltrated by crack dealers and hooligans while Occupy Portland has been infested with a vicious strain of lice.  Coincidence?  Not in the least.

Consider that lice and crack dealers are parasitic organisms.  Consider that Occupiers are NOT parasitic organisms (look, I just said consider, didn’t say you had to agree – but you better agree, right SPA?!).  What else but the malicious hand of svengali puppeteers could have utilized such thematic elements in a single stroke?  CommuNazis.  No doubt about it.

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I hear you, lady, but sometimes… peace hurts.  Peace hurts.  Yes, that will fit nicely on a bumper sticker.  A bumper sticker on a Prius, of course.

Select your response to this story:

• It’s all for the greater good.
• Maybe a facefull of concrete is her fair share™.
• It was just a few bad apples surrounded by a few other bad apples in a crowd of bad apples – but the protest is peaceful.
• All of the above because, I mean, who cares? WE ARE THE 99%!

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That’s right, SPA.  We all know it because we’ve all been told it: the Bush Tax Cuts are what ails America and you’re about to learn why.  So strap on your learnin’ gear!

AmeriKAZAM has friends in all kinds of places and we get intel from all kinds of people.  This one comes from Operative Skald who happened to find a little nugget of video floating around cyberspace.  In THIS CLIP, Peter Schiff does Moscow’s bidding using facts and reason against the patriotic sloganeering of Occupiers.

How Cause and Effect Work

Now after watching that, you’re probably thinking, “Why in the world would someone want to keep the Bush Tax Cuts, General Purpose?  Aren’t they communist tools used to oppress liberty, equality, and social justice in America?”  Why yes they are, SPA!  If those tax cuts were submarines, they’d be sinking the liberty boats of our victory over the Huns.  As you all know through the wonder if Disney animation, “We need your taxes to bury the Axis!”

So let’s take a look at those tax cuts, shall we?  Let’s find out just how much money good ‘ole General Purpose would save if they were gone and the rich were paying their fair share™.

The old tax brackets, pre tax cuts, were 15%, 28%, 31%, 36% and 39.6% with the income limits of each at $27k, $66k, $137k, $297k, and infinity.  This means since I make about $45k a year, I fall into the second bracket at 28% and would pay $8,994 in taxes.  Now let’s take a look at that rich fella.  Let’s say he makes a cool million a year.  That puts him in the 39.6% bracket meaning he’d owe $368,110.  To find out why these numbers aren’t simple math you can check out Moneychimp.com and work it out – but these are the numbers.  Old plan I pay $8,994 and he pays $368, 110.

Now we all know these Bush Tax Cuts were for the rich so let’s see how this works out.  I can’t wait to stick it to those Marxist millionaires.  The Bush Tax Plan changed the brackets to 10%, 15%, 25%, 28%, 33% and 35% with the income limits at $7k, $28k, $69k, $144k, 321k, and infinity.  This means good ‘ole Gee Pee making his $45k would come in at the 25% rate and pay about $8,060 while that fat cat fascist would come in at 35% and $331,332!

Aha!  So that rich bastard would have to pay about $37k more and I would save… um.  Wait, what?  Lemme see here, carry the two, divide by zero… ah hell.  Oh, wait, I see what’s going on here.  My tax is $930 more but that’s the price I have to pay to stick it to Wall Street.  I’m just doing my fair share to help slay Goliath.

So now we know what’s going on here.  Remember, SPA, if the Occupation fails, Germany wins!

General Purpose, signing off.

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Hello again, Person,

While my colleagues will attempt to beguile you with American imagery surrounding the Occupy / 99% / Whine & Cheese Movement (that’s right General Purpose – this means you), they are sadly mistaken as to the meaning behind the symbols.  Today being the 5th of November, I thought it appropriate to give you some insight into Guy Fawkes – an icon about as ridiculous for a freedom fighter to wear as a Che Guevara t-shirt.  Why dis Che?  Well, he did shoot a 10 year old boy in the head to teach the boy’s father a lesson and executed hundreds or thousands.  How’s that for liberty?

But back to Mr. Fawkes… when you “remember, remember, the 5th of November” do you think of the Gunpowder Treason and plot?  You probably do, since the poem was in V for Vendetta.  But you probably have a very thin knowledge of what Fawkes was trying to do.  He wasn’t a freedom fighter.  He wasn’t a peasant standing up to the oppressive class.  Guy Fawkes was simply trying to install his own religious leader over another.  Hilariously, while Guy Fawkes masks are being worn by the Envy Party currently squatting (funny because that has two meanings) in parks around the nation’s cities, it would be more appropriate for the Libyan “liberation” where one oppressive regime was thrown off so sharia law could take its place.

The Mary Sue does this subject some justice today and I highly recommend you check it out.  If only the shallow intellectualism currently on display in the evening news could give way to true study and reasoning, you might have Occupiers wearing Thomas Jefferson or Patrick Henry masks… but then if they had that much knowledge they’d all be in Washington DC where the lion’s share of the blame lies.

EOM

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That’s right, SPAs – this is what happens if the communists win.  You can see more post-communist victory images at Digital Art Gallery Online’s Post Apocalyptic section.

You better pray to the red, white, and blue it never comes to this!

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While many are whining about 10 Fannie and Freddie executives getting $12.8 million in bonuses, we here at AmeriKAZAM believe something very important is being overlooked.

To date, Fannie and Freddie have required about $145 billion in taxpayer funds to stay afloat.  This quarter, they’re only $4.4 billion under water and plan to ask for $6 billion more just to be

Occupy THIS, bitches!

safe.  This is a dramatic improvement, patriots!  These 10 brilliant executives, each making over $900,000 per year, have captained Fannie and Freddie out of the proverbial Marianas Trench into the much less submerged Puerto Rico Trench, a mediocre trench by anyone’s standards!

Catapulting these two real estate titans from abysmal losses to mediocre losses should earn them a reward on par with Wall Street executives, to be sure.

So fear not, SPAs.  If you think this all sounds outrageous, you probably just aren’t a) American enough or b) educated in economics enough to understand.  Either way, it’s your fault.

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